I never did find a job in my field this summer. I also failed to find a high paying job, or even a full-time job. I work part-time at a public pool for a modest wage. There must be something odd going on, since I have strong interpersonal skills, a fantastic academic record, solid work history, travel experience, and striking good looks. I decided that the 'Hobbies and Interests' section of my résumé must be weak. I completely rewrote it and also jotted down some of my more impressive accomplishments. I think I might have to pare it down some, depending on the job, but this is a good starting point. Forgive me if I come off as tooting my horn. Keep in mind that this is a résumé. The idea is to sell yourself to a potential employer; it has to be a bit over-the-top.I am a/an:
backpacker, traveler, musician, avid reader, poet extraordinaire, hobby asshole, model train enthusiast, big tobacco lobbyist, dual citizen, cat lover, obsessive compulsive hand-washer, liar, best friend, headbanger, prizefighter, walker, stand-up guy, yodeler, shithead, steadfast believer, arborist, prophet, Orthodox Quaker, Jack-Mormon, life member of the gang called N.W.A., weaned human, flower arranger, incumbent, Inquisitor, son of a son of a son of a sailor, lifelong learner, lumpy slob, follower, thief, cunning linguist, hero, stellar speller, black widower, aqua aerobics watcher, seal hunter, fan club member, big star, seer, volunteer, shopper, unknown protester, heartbreaker, smarty-pants, fence-sitter, hick, explorer, weenie, hard worker, whopper, mule, duotang user, midwife, climber, legislator, slow and steady racer, know-it-all, veterinary scientist, felon wannabe, centurion, irate voter, youngun, olympian, registrar, washed-up hippie, student, nature lover, master of disaster, body builder, driver, sneaky bastard, shaver, announcer, chess player, jaywalker, miser, loyal subscriber, situation analyst, giver, and goalie.My interests include, but are not limited to:
fingernails on chalkboards, naked interviews, drive-by mooning, vegetable shopping, biting my nails, frolicking amongst trees, accounting, pornography, watching people from afar, neighbour-snooping, Canada, naked rain-dancing, your mom, online shooter games, ballet, sex, sex, sex, sex, prank calling, hitting people, torts, Twister, eating wildlife, Croatian-bashing, highlighters, Swedish boobies, other boobies, mammatus, lazing about, failing courses, crack cocaine, skiing, Sonny Bono, natural disasters, the War of 1812, germs, the Bush Administration, reading Republican autobiographies, Herbert Hoover, epic tales of sadness, Pennsylvania, recycling, going on exchange to find girlfriends, Wicca, your mom, tart apples, concrete, trout farms, Pinus contorta
, the Dutch, life, trying things twice, ribbon dancing, sherpas, buttons, belated birthday cards, trying not to sneeze, underwater haircuts, chilly afternoons, anglesized names, lukewarm jello, the Wu Tang Clan, duck duck goose, spandex unitards, acronyms, MathCounts competitions, diddies and jingles, limbo, Sean Penn's wife, faith-based initiatives, unfortunate coincidences, bangers and mash, galvanized pipe, leaning, spankings, popular sayings, regions, darts, film noir, wearing socks, Lent, success, muffins, inelastic markets, bottled water, the taiga, LAN parties, dousing people with ginger ale, urinal pucks, winning, snifters, generalizations, tinder collecting, sarcastic puns, renting microphones, cheer camp, wispy hair, understated value, licking frozen poles, lipids, LandSAT image analysis software, contacting others, chic satchels, avoiding phobics, Sacramento, eggs, giving it my all, the history of Teflon, playing recorder, timely anecdotes, quintiles, and Funky Cold Medina.Some of my other accomplishments:
I started the Piedmont High Michael Jackson Fan Club / Support Group. I was president of the world in 1992 and most of 1993. I was in the Future Farmers of America for three weeks, level: Greenthumb. I figured out how to turn off overtype. I can count to 6 or 7 in binary. I walk with scissors, always. I know all the words to every Eurhythmics song. I am one of the ones who wants to get used by you. I can say the Greek alphabet backward when I'm drunk. I have touched the Panama Canal. I speak Farsi fluently. I have been inside Boulder Dam. I learned an important life lesson from the 'Saved By the Bell' episode in which Jessie becomes a caffeine pill addict. I liked 'Human Highway'. I tentatively forgive you. I know my social insurance number by heart. I try not to end sentences in prepositions. I know where it's at. I can easily identify Kern County by its distinctive shape. I know the difference between a doohickey and a thingamabob. I can spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I have never seen 'Spongebob Squarepants'. I am a good test taker. I know how to tie a square knot. I can walk really far. My mom goes to college. I've seen movies featuring Tom Cruise. Time is on my side. I know why the sky is blue. I know the truth about things. I remember the capital of Nebraska. I am punctual. I have been dressing myself for over 15 years. I've been to Utah. I can fuckin' give'r. I am unique. I have heard of Lyle Lovett. I know some factoids. I can use a dictionary. I don't have ADHD. I'm a liar, I'm a liar; my pants are on fire. I have been a proud owner of shoes for almost 20 years. I discovered a new place and mapped it. I have peed in ten countries. I am a good listener. My child was born at home. I have been a valued customer since 2002. I already know the rules. I can talk my way out of a ticket. I will make you rich and famous. I take what I can get. I saw the sign. I hope to one day own a Members Only jacket. I am a rock; I am an island. I use the word 'obdurate' in normal conversation. I think, therefore I am. I understand what you are saying. I planned several successful weddings. I overheard her saying it wasn't going to go smoothly. I am the mastermind behind the upcoming Harry Potter reality show. I can recite the Preamble to the U.S. Constitution. I have always considered myself pretty fly, for a white guy.
Let me know what you think!